Tour de France 2014 – guide to the perils of Cambridgeshire and Essex

Not that I’m envious , but it appears the Tour de France 2014 is snubbing Hertfordshire and has opted for Cambridgeshire and Esssex instead.

The Cambridge Tour de France Team

The Cambridge Tour de France Team

The Essex Tour de France Team

The Essex Tour de France Team

Presumably they chose Cambridgeshire for its challenging and frankly stunning scenery.

cambridgeshire

As for Essex, well let’s hope no one gets a pneu crevé and ends up being captured and forcibly spray-tanned by locals. joey essex

Then there are the language issues. Cambridge undergraduates present a real challenge.

Here’s a typical phrase:

Like awesome Hugo! This is totes defo dorbs! This race is most adorable Hugo.

And some helpful translations for use during the Essex stretch:

Shaaa aaaaaaap!!! Well done.

Reem!!! Jolly good.

Hundred ‘cent!!! Excellent.

I’m well jel!!! I’m most envious of your abilities.

It’s well boring me aaart!!! I’m getting a bit bored now.

If they’d come to Hertfordshire, none of this would have been necessary. But I’d obviously have warned them against Ware, where cannibalism and the random hanging of foreigners is still rife.