by Ian • • Comments Off on Emotional Support Peacock
I’ve decided to become an Emotional Support Peacock.
This is because (1) I’m a Peacock (2) I have a passport (3) I like flying (4) I can occasionally be emotionally supportive when I’m not in a fowl mood and (5) I rarely squawk or peck strangers on planes.
Emotional Support Animals really are a thing for anxious flyers. In the USA (where else?) you can legally board a flight with one, as long as it’s on the approved list, you have written permission from a mental health professional and evidence that the animal is ‘trained to behave properly in a public setting’.
But, inexplicably, peacocks are banned. A nervous New Yorker was recently cruelly denied the right to board a United Airlines plane from Newark to LA with an emotionally supportive peafowl in the next seat.
Odd. I’ve flown from Newark to LA several times and never been apprehended.
United’s brazenly peacockist stance is no doubt a response to a boom in requests for Emotional Support Pets. They’ve risen by 75% to 76,000 in a year. Meanwhile, Delta Airlines have reported an 84% increase in onboard pet ‘incidents’.
So peacocks are banned, along with hedgehogs, ferrets, rodents, non-household birds and so on.
But it appears that elks, wildebeests, porcupines, giraffes, sheep, gibbons, shrimps, marmosets, barnacles etc have slipped through the net. It makes no sense whatsoever.
That’s why I’m offering my services. Club or Business Class obviously. And only to glamorous locations. With complimentary Champagne.
I’ve always been fond of porcupines, or ‘fretful porpentines’ as Shakespeare called them. So I was delighted to discover that baby porcupines are known as … porcupettes. This prompted me to look up some other baby animal terms. It turns…
by Ian • • Comments Off on Damn Daniel! White Vans versus white vans. Divided by a common language.
OK, I’ll explain. There’s a bunch of video clips which have recently gone viral, featuring a Californian teenager called Daniel. He’s a snappy dresser who likes white Vans trainers (or ‘sneakers’ if you’re from the US). As soon as he…
I appear to have sparked controversy by suggesting that I roam the streets at night attacking unsuspecting plants with weed killer. Please note that I was indulging in Juvenalian satire (pretentious? moi?) and don’t literally mean everything I say. Rather…
As you no doubt know, I’m a garden snob. I openly vandalise variegated ivy after dark. I’d rather poison myself with Roundup than be seen in the presence of a plastic pot. And, as for the tasteless suburban wretches who…
by Ian • • Comments Off on Actually, we’re having Ethiopian Hen this year
There’s nothing like a Meleagris Gallopavo with all the trimmings for Christmas (or Thanksgiving). That’s a turkey to you and me. Or a twrci if you’re Welsh and like spelling things oddly for the sake of it. I’m sure you…
Oddly for a dog trainer, Digda is his only pet. She has her own YouTube channel Catmantoo which has loads of cat training tips. Bolly watch out.
Robert has lots of experience in dog training, with the army, the police and celebrities such as Mel Gibson, Pamela Anderson and Olivia Newton John. And he takes the dogs, and Digda, for a beach party once they’ve graduated from their training course.