Monthly Archives: December 2006

Bollinger’s New Years Resolutions 2007

I promise to stop savaging Ian’s cleaners whenever they go into his bedroom.
I promise to stop mugging Ian’s friend Frank for no apparent reason. He’s a nice cat-friendly person and doesn’t deserve it.
I promise not to bite Ian’s toes ever again. His toes are connected to him and are not creatures.
I promise to wait till 6am before I wake Ian up by howling and scratching his bedroom door (if locked out) or biting him and putting my paw in his mouth (if admitted to his room).
I promise to overcome my irrational fear of ironing boards.
I promise to accept that children are human beings not dangerous predators.
I promise not to eat flies in a stagey fashion in public – especially when Ian’s guests are having dinner.
I promise to watch less television and to stop flinging my copious fluffy frame at the screen whenever a small animal appears in a wildlife documentary.
I promise not to destroy Ian’s carpets.
I promise not to terrorise Ian when he cooks broccoli.
I promise not to be offended when people think I’m a boy cat.
I promise to lose weight. I’m currently 6.3 kg and should be under 5.0 kg, but I hope Petplan covers liposuction, as I’m not going on a f***ing diet. No way.
Happy 2007.
Bollinger xxx

Six Degrees

Peacockshock’s occasional Six Degrees feature, in which I brag shamelessly about pathetically indirect namedrops, has attracted huge attention recently.
My pal Viv (who used to work on the street in Oxford where Radiohead’s Thom Yorke lives) informs me that our mutual friend Cyn was actually at Owain Yeoman and Lucy Davis‘s wedding in St Pauls. She chatted to Lucy’s dad Jasper Carrott and shared a taxi with Black Sabbath.
Meanwhile my aunt’s nephew helps out at a stable near Andover which is frequented by Madonna.
And Madonna has been taught by my friend Amina’s pilates instructor.
Amina used to produce Rolf Harris in Animal Hospital.
She’s also stood next to Stephen Fry (whom I know, so there) twice. Once in a cashpoint queue and once on an underground platform.
At her local Waitrose, she stood in a queue behind David Soul. His hand was apparently a bit shaky (he dropped his change). She’s also seen the Gallagher brothers and Chris Evans in there.
Meanwhile, in a deserted Homebase, she had to make way for Radio 1’s Edith Bowman pushing a trolley laden with plants. She sighted an Appleton in there once as well.
Amina lives near the X-Factor House too, and reports a recent sighting: ‘I was walking behind these two short blokes with hobbit haircuts chatting away in thick Scottish accents wearing the biggest sunglasses as it rained. It was the McDonald Brothers!’
And my friend Raymond once looked after Annie Lennox‘s dog – for two weeks.
Coming soon in the next thrilling instalment – my friend Wilhelm’s famous hair colourist’s other clients.
Big names guaranteed!

The Bolly and the Ivy



Bolly celebrating Christmas in her inimitable style

Geezers and Divas

I overheard the following highbrow conversation this morning in Starbucks on Piccadilly:
Bloke 1: ‘I’m off to see Carmina Burana tonight.’
Bloke 2: ‘Who’s she then?’
Bloke 1: ‘It’s an opera mate. By Carl Orloff.’

Six Degrees


Lucy Davis – Dawn from The Office – married movie actor Owain Yeoman in St Paul’s Cathedral today.
Owain is my friend Cyn’s godson.

Time in Loo

I’ve just read a shocking statistic while researching a book.
On average, women spend six months of their lives on the loo.
That’s frightening enough. But MEN spend THREE YEARS of their lives sitting on the toilet. What a terrible waste.

Moving Update

My solicitor – Jade – now has a note in her diary to try for an exchange of contracts on Monday. Hurrah.

Moving Update

I was supposed to be moving today – into a nice little house near the river. But it’s been delayed thanks to a chain involving an old lady called – unless I’m mistaken – Mrs Happenstance (did I mishear?) who has an aversion to moving before Christmas.

Moving Update


Peter Andre and Jordan
Oh my goodness. According to my sources, Peter Andre and Jordan are moving to Watton-at-Stone near Hertford. We already have the Beckhams. It’s just getting too classy around here.

Bollinger Update


Bolly on my parents’ sofa
Bolly’s at my parents’ house for Christmas. She went up early as I was supposed to be moving house today and I didn’t want to ruffle her. But I’m now moving in the first week of January – I think. Mum phoned tonight to say Boll was watching a documentary about lion cubs and was trying to get inside the TV to play with them.

Health Update

My neurologist has discharged me. Good feeling. It’s nice when doctors tell you to push off.

No Loo at the Inn

Hello. I’m back from Wales. I stayed in a place called the Future Inn in Cardiff Bay, where they film Dr Who. John Barrowman lives round the corner. It was a nice hotel, for that sort of hotel, but the technology left me sore afraid.
When I arrived, I had a peep at the bathroom (as you do) and discovered it was impressively hi-tech with a thermostatic bath, but no loo.
I was literally apoplectic. Then I discovered the loo, hidden behind the door.
I then switched on the flat-screen TV, which was a PC with internet access as well. It was also probably a Corby Trouser Press and Teasmaid. ‘Good evening Mrs Medha Kamal’ said the caption on the screen. I’ve since googled Mrs Kamal and she doesn’t exist. Who is she? Is she something to do with Torchwood?
Then I decided to have a bath. But I set the thermostat wrongly, believing it to be a tap, and then I couldn’t work the plug. By bedtime (‘Canadian Sized Bed’ – two double beds – why?) I felt very, very old.
Is it like this all the time when you’re 90?