Monthly Archives: May 2007

Definitions of an Intellectual

‘Someone who, alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.’ (that counts me out then)
‘Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.’
‘Someone whose mind watches itself.’ (Albert Camus)
‘Someone who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.’ (Dwight D Eisenhower)
‘Someone who has found one thing more interesting than sex.’ (Aldous Huxley)
‘An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way.’ (Charles Bukowski)
‘Being an intellectual is wearing your glasses half way down your nose then having to tilt your head back to see people.’
‘Someone who hears the phrase ‘Big Brother’ and thinks of George Orwell first.’

Tinky Winky Tot Terror


It’s good to know that Poland’s politicians have got their priorities right. In Warsaw political circles, the latest hot debate centres on the sexuality of a purple Teletubby.
Apparently, Tinky Winky poses a grave threat to Polish toddlers. Because he carries a handbag, he’s likely to turn them all gay. Ah. So THAT’S how it happens.
Perhaps the Poles have finally found some common ground with the good Christian folk of Moscow who enjoy nothing better than a nice afternoon’s gay bashing. Makes a change from poisoning people who disagree with you.
Who cares what Tinky Winky does with his pinky? And since when did gay men go around with handbags? What century are we in? Would someone please remind me.

You May Kiss The Proxy


You can now get married by double-proxy in Montana. In other words, you can get married via two stand-ins, so you don’t have to turn up for your own wedding.
I assume you can also have a double-proxy honeymoon (or single-proxy one, attended by you and a stand-in of your choice), a double-proxy life together, double-proxy arguments and double-proxy affairs, rounded off with a double-proxy divorce.

Lost in Translation

What happens when an English phrase is translated (by computer) back and forth between five or more different languages? You can now find out, thanks to an online Babeliser. I tried out some phrases and quotations and got some pretty weird results.

The fat cat sat on the mat –
The great cat was firm

I wandered lonely as a cloud –
Vento vento only communicates like the cloud

Kiss me quick –
bacillus fastly

A Big Mac and fries with strawberry milk shake please –
With that ã. ã. “they are he and ã. IMPER and oil of the asterisk of the inginocchiamento of him ‘ ã ‘ “ã. 6á. he is great

It’s raining cats and dogs –
The cat and the rectangles of the rain of the dog

I love to go a wandering along the mountain track –
Esteem the movement that goes the length of the ways of the movement of the mountain i love to go

A noisy noise annoys an oyster –
the ascent of her disturba obstructs one ostra

I love to love you baby –
The boy assesses the situation, that one that he appreciates

Liar liar pants on fire –
Asthma of the mentiroso of the mentiroso of the fogos

I shave with foam and a razor –
I am completely burned by the bubble and scherblock of the rasatura

I have a hangover and require a coffee and an aspirin –
I have the part of the rest, have the necessity of the series of silicone of desperations of the coffee and the Arab league

The hills are alive with the sound of music –
Assembly and healthful lodging of music

Do not feed the lion –
The lion would not have that to modify itself for particular requirements

Hertford Lookalikes Outbreak


When I first moved to Hertford, I kept seeing a man who looked like Jeremy Clarkson. When I told a friend about this, he said, ‘Oh yes. That’s the Jeremy Clarkson lookalike.’ I’ve no idea who he is, but he sometimes frequents the White Horse.
Then I started seeing a Jack Nicholson lookalike. He has a bike and some Staffies and can often be seen in and near Tesco.
And then along came Orlando Bloom who works in Oddbins on Bull Plain when he’s not making films.
I’m not mad. I’ve had these sightings verified by friends who agree with me about the uncanny resemblances. But it does slightly freak me out, and I was sore afraid the other night when I was walking past Oddbins and could see Orlando in there fiddling with some Peruvian Shiraz. At this point I happened to look round. And there, approaching each other in opposite directions, were Jeremy and Jack.