Monthly Archives: October 2007

All Human Life is Here…

I walked down Oxford Street this morning at 8.30, from Oxford Circus to Bond Street. A ten minute stroll, during which I encountered –

A young vicar with dreadlocks, barking ‘yes mate’ repeatedly into his mobile.

Four topless male models posing with Selfridges bags for a photoshoot (it was very cold).

An elderly baglady in front of a department store, gazing with rapt attention at a Christmas display of singing teddybears.

Ghost in the House

It was dark at 6am when I tottered downstairs this morning to put some coffee on. Boll was running ahead, as ever, almost tripping me up. Then I saw him. A man at the foot of the stairs. I saw his shoes first. And then his trousers. I was genuinely terrified and felt a shiver down my spine and a horrid burst of adrenalin.
Then I realised I’d hung some jeans on a clothes horse to dry and left a pair of trainers directly underneath. ‘Silly me’ I thought, leaving everything as it was.
Ten minutes later, I popped downstairs again for some toast. And I got exactly the same shock again.
The mind’s a strange thing.

Six Degrees


Ewan, doing a Scottish pose
Another impressively indirect namedrop.
The hotel I’ve just stayed in in Inverness had Ewan McGregor (who once pecked my friend Henrietta on the cheek) as a guest recently. It’s not clear whether I was in the same room. But I sat on most of the chairs in the dining room, so very probably sat on one which Ewan did.
I’ll be signing autographs later.

I’ve Got To Check Your Chips

I’ve spent a lot of time at Inverness Airport recently and – in my considered opinion – the security staff are insane.
Why do they insist on scanning my passport? Why do they frisk me like maniacs every time I go near them?
A few weeks ago, I observed a teenager going through security eating chips. There were three chips left in his cardboard box. Three. They made him put them through the scanner.
And I know someone whose granny was forced to remove her hat in case it was concealing weapons of mass destruction.
The granny in question is 92 and in a wheelchair.