Monthly Archives: June 2010


Whenever I tell someone I’ve done something more active than falling asleep, they say (virtually without exception), ‘Oh dear. You’ll be exhausted.’
Presumably, they’re indirectly saying, ‘I’d be exhausted myself if I could be bothered to get off my morbidly obese posterior and do that.’
The same goes for food. ‘You’ll be starving,’ they say if I haven’t had supper by 3pm.
My favourite ‘you’ll’ usage is the one used by (some) Scots to explain the difference between Glasgow and Edinburgh –
In Glasgow, they say, ‘Would you like some tea?’
In Edinburgh, they say (assume a Morningside accent now), ‘You’ll have had your tea…’

The Indefatigable Mouse

Boll’s new mouse is supposed to squeak when you prod it. It did this at first. But then I stood on it.
Now it squeaks once a second, 24/7. And it’s been squeaking solidly for three days. It’s so bad, I’ve now started imagining I’m hearing it when I’m out of the house.
The only thing that seems capable of silencing this evil super-rodent is the full weight of the coffee table.
Please don’t tell the RSPCA.

Text Tense Sense

I just overheard yet another oafish personage in the street yelling into a mobile.
‘I text you earlier,’ he hollered uncouthly, as he strutted past my house in his nasty Von Dutch t-shirt.
‘No you did not,’ I retorted (to myself, obviously, as I don’t speak to people like that). ‘You texTED him.’
The past tense of ‘to text’ is ‘texted’. Fact.
Simple past – I texted him
Present perfect – I have texted him
Past perfect – I had texted him
Future perfect – I will have texted him
I’ll be testing you on this later.

Pin-Up of the Week

This week’s pin-up is the cute cygnet who’s currently living with his parents on the River Lea in Hertford. Unusually for swans, he’s an only child.

Nana Turns Triffid

Oh dear. I think I’ve overfed the olive tree.

Six Degrees

Jermain Defoe lives just down the road from Hertford, in Cuffley. I go through Cuffley quite a lot on the train. And I once overheard a guy at the gym say he’d been to a party at Jermain’s house. I don’t know the guy at the gym, but I did speak to him once.

Van Hage Expedition

I popped to Van Hage garden centre near Ware this week and headed straight for the mini-zoo and pet section.

According to one of my Hertford pals, ‘Ware people don’t make an effort.’ But this duck diva (clearly aware it was Ascot Week) was prancing around its enclosure in a Philip Treacy hat.

Good to see a nearby piglet (Fabio Pigletto?) was supporting England. No sign of a vuvuzela though. I assume piggy football fans just oink.

Breaking News – Boll Has Kittens

Boll’s had several furry babies this week. Yes – she’s moulting again, and currently resembles a scruffy (but cute) ferret.

Orange Ladybirds

an orange ladybird on the garden table today
The garden’s full of orange ladybirds. These ladybirds know they’ve been Tango’d. They’re possibly even more orange than Katie Price. Most of them have ten or more black spots, so I’m assuming they’re Adalia 10-Punctatas. But I’ve no idea why they look like they’re using fake tan.

Pin-Up of the Week

This week’s pin-up is the bird which perched on the Algeria goal post during the England v Algeria World Cup match. There was very little chance of it being disturbed. It eventually got bored and flew off, having provided a lot more entertainment than the England team.