Monthly Archives: November 2010


Allegations of ‘inappropriate behaviour’ by member of the Troll Family

Wraith diplomats ‘ordered to spy’ on United Goblins

Oberon ‘urges Fairyland to bomb Narnia’

Grave fears – are rogue gnomes stockpiling wands?

Sugar Plum Fairy ‘driven by paranoia’

Related stories …

Incubus from Lowestoft wins X Factor

Will-o’-the-wisp arrested in bar brawl

Seven Dwarfs to form boyband

Grendel’s Mother joins Radio 2

Santa Claus and Rudolf – ‘We shared an igloo, but nothing happened’



Bolly decided to impersonate a mermaid on the sofa last night.

Tern Attack

The poor ducks of Herford had a bit of competition yesterday when I was feeding them. I guess the terns have flown inland because of the Siberian weather, so you can’t blame them. But they’re not very good at taking their – um – tern.

Gratuitous Duck Joke

A duck walks into a chemists.
‘Can I have some lip salve please?’ it asks.
‘Certainly sir,’ replies the assistant. ‘Would you like to pay for it now?’
‘No,’ says the duck. ‘Just stick it on my bill.’

Rudolf The Obscure Reindeer

Hertfordshire Coat of Arms, modelled by Rudolf and friend
I was in a cafe with an Italian friend yesterday and happened to mention Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. ‘Who?’ he asked.
So (as you do) I asked the girl behind the counter if she’d heard of the world-famous proboscally-conspicuous celebrity caribou. ‘I am from Hungary,’ she said, looking slightly shocked. ‘We do not have this Rudolf.’
I then turned to the guy behind us in the queue. ‘I am from Slovenia,’ he said (we were in London by the way). ‘And we have this Rudolf. He is as famous with us as is the Donald Duck. He is international. Yes.’
It was a huge relief.

Alan Wick

Alnwick Castle
Note to BBC TV News during the snow in Northumberland –
Alnwick’s not pronounced ALAN-wick. It’s ANN-ick.
Ponteland isn’t PONT-ee-land. It’s Pon-TEE-land.
You have a Pronunciation Unit. Phone it.
Thank you.

New Westerhope Book – By My Dad Tom Peacock

Dad’s new book is out now. It’s an excellent history of Westerhope Village near Newcastle, where I was born, with loads of archive photos and interesting stories.
One fascinating fact from the book – it’s called ‘Westerhope’ because it was founded by Victorian philanthropists who wanted to build an idyllic village to the west of the city – Hope in the West.

Shock Headline

Thankfully, it’s not as bad as it seems.
It’s all about Geordie teeth which are quite similar to Neanderthal ones at equivalent ages, suggesting Neanderthals didn’t age as quickly as we thought.

Cat – A Tonic

Bolly had stress-induced cystitis again this morning. For a laid-back cat who purrs non-stop, she does have her moments. So off we pootled to Chestnut Vets for an injection.
The vet said I should double her Cystaid tablet dose and also recommended a Feliway pheremone diffuser to calm her down. So I got a diffuser from the wondrous Hertford Pet Supplies on Fore Street … and it’s working.
La Boll has been in a contented trance all evening. She didn’t even squeak when I cooked some chicken. And she’s sitting next to me right now, looking incredibly contented.
Shame Feliway doesn’t work on humans.

Homo Not Very Erectus

human quadruped family in Turkey
I’ve had a bad back for several weeks now. But thankfully the physio’s helping and I’m even allowed to swim ten lengths a day now – very slowly.
Much as I like being a biped, bipedalism’s apparently entirely to blame for the whole human bad back thing. It’s also to blame for our absurdly big brains, which is why we’re all so bonkers (our brains expanded to cope with the ridiculous palaver of standing up).
According to California scientist Dr Aaron Filler, we actually became bipedal around 20 million years ago. So did apes. But they sensibly evolved back to walking on all-fours most of the time.
There is one quadrupedal family in Turkey, but they’re the only humans who are sensible enough to do it. The rest of us insist on the hubris of standing up and suffer the consequences. So much for evolution.