Once upon a time, in the days of yore in the Land of Grammar, people used to say things such as:
As far as county towns go, Hertford’s nice but a bit quiet.
As far as small pets go, guinea pigs are pretty good.
As far as laws go, it’s rather old-fashioned.
‘As far as X goes’ means: ‘To the degree that X is considered or exists’. As far as definitions go, that’s the best I can manage.
The problem is … people have wilfully started dropping the ‘go’ and the ‘goes’, like schoolkids dropping chocolate wrappers. I have no idea why, but it makes me apoplectic with rage. Yes, as far as grammar, I’m pedantic.
Not that I’m envious , but it appears the Tour de France 2014 is snubbing Hertfordshire and has opted for Cambridgeshire and Esssex instead.
Presumably they chose Cambridgeshire for its challenging and frankly stunning scenery.
Then there are the language issues. Cambridge undergraduates present a real challenge.
Here’s a typical phrase:
Like awesome Hugo! This is totes defo dorbs! This race is most adorable Hugo.
And some helpful translations for use during the Essex stretch:
Shaaa aaaaaaap!!! Well done.
Reem!!! Jolly good.
Hundred ‘cent!!! Excellent.
I’m well jel!!! I’m most envious of your abilities.
It’s well boring me aaart!!! I’m getting a bit bored now.
If they’d come to Hertfordshire, none of this would have been necessary. But I’d obviously have warned them against Ware, where cannibalism and the random hanging of foreigners is still rife.
The lovely Alexis was born in 1995 and moved to Marylebone in London with her little brother Dexter (Dex). The two fluffies then moved to Essex.
Alexis subsequently moved to Todmorden with Henrietta and Franklin who gave her a fabulous life. She also had two step cats (but largely ignored them), a step horse, and numerous step hamsters, guinea pigs and rabbits.
Lex enjoyed sitting on Franklin. She also liked to pose like a furry bookend on the opposite arm of the chair to Dexter. And they weren’t averse to lying on the ironing board. She was also rather partial to cardboard boxes.
Her all-time favourite food was processed ham. And she preferred drinking water directly from taps.
For me, her most endearing habit was rescuing people from bathrooms and toilets. No sooner did you enter, than a small ball of silver fluff came hurtling in like Supercat to prevent you from drowning or whatever.
We’ll all really miss her. She was such a sweety.
I just love the Hertfordshire Mercury.
Congratulations to my old friend Paul on becoming Paul Brannen MEP. Odd to think I’ve known him since we were nine. Oh the stories I could tell, but I won’t. He’ll be a brilliant MEP I’m sure. And he believes in Europe, unlike the dimwits from UKIP. This photo shows him being pensive in Poland, in 1985. Gosh. Almost 30 years ago.
I know it’s been everywhere but ICYMI, here’s that amazing Vine of a boy diving into a pool, snatched by a giant hand
Ovid would approve. Over the last few months, I, a peacock, have metamorphosed into a hummingbird, in the form of the lovely Hummingbird Audio Landscaping That’s why I’ve not been peacockblogging. Like a hummingbird, I’ve been flapping my wings non-stop and have barely touched the ground. I’ve also been blogging for Hummingbird.
You may care to poke your beak into some of my posts:
Hummingbird Audio Landscaping also has amazing, quirky Twitter stuff: @hummingbirdbeak Follow now, or I’ll peck you.
And, on our YouTube channel, you can see me (in a suit) and co-designer Kathleen Griffin doing our thing at glitzy Lancaster House So now you know what I’ve been up to. Normal service resumes here as from today.